All The Ingredients ... Check!

I don't know who even knows about this blog or reads it. Part of me is very much wanting to know if *anyone* is reading this ... but then part of me just wants to write and not be conscious of who might be reading, and worrying about what they'll think. I want to just write whatever I'm thinking and not hold back ... let it all hang out. But I can't let it ALL hang out cuz I don't even know how I feel about some things. I know how I want to be and how I should feel about things, but making that a naturally occurring reality is another thing. One moment I'll feel all positive and loving about something and the next extremely irritated. I'm very tolerant and kind but everything irritates me. I irritate myself. Here is the sum-up of my life: I have all the ingredients for a very happy and healthy life cake. Everything is here - my family (a wonderful priesthood holder/bff for a husband and a son and daughter that I'm crazy about), my home (with my parents as my next door neighbors! The Lord has blessed me sooooo much words can't even express it), friends, all the resources I might need at my access ... but I can't figure out the recipe. I have the perfect life but a constant anxiety buzz telling me I'm not good enough, I *should* be better. I think people who know me well don't see this in me, they see me as a guile-less sincere girl that there isn't much to. I did well in school and I've taken the iq tests so I know I'm intelligent ... but I'm wise and simple at the same time. I don't know if I make that impression, I sure don't feel confident in my ability to verbalize intelligent thoughts. Living in the world but not of the world. This awesome cake that I have the ingredients to make is only gonna be finished in the eternities ...